Cacaolover’s Weblog

4. Shop in TK MAX

Unless you’re Jarvis Cocker or The Buddha you will want to avoid buying your clothes from here. Save your self some time and shop somewhere that has sizes other than triple triple triple x3 extra large, or I’m so skinny I would make an Ethiopian on weight watchers look plump… perhaps somewhere like BHS, then you can look like who you’ve always wanted to – Des o Connor or your Dead grand ma!

5. Watch porn!

Have you ever seen such depravity? Miserable people trying to look like their making love; If you like getting off on people exploiting and raping one another then by all means watch away. I would rather stick my dick in a blender!

6. Eating healthy.

Eating healthy is for wimps! Be a man; go grab five cheeseburgers and your favourite milkshake, then sit outside your health store and laugh at all those who drink wheatgrass juice and chew on lettuce and carrots!

7. Buy coffee from Starbucks!

Three reasons not to buy from Starbucks.

• Their seats remind me of the ones I used to sit in at nursery school.
• What they charge for a coffee and cake would feed the coffee growers and all their donkeys for up to a week!
• The place is always a fucking mess!

8. Buy lottery tickets!

Are you that stupid and fucking desperate that you think you’re actually going to win? Do yourself a favour, give your money to charity and bestow upon yourself the blessings of good karma! I mean it’s only a fucking pound. Aww for fuck sake – don’t tell me you spend more than that? If so read the first sentence over three times or even better make it your mantra for meditation!

9. Donate to charities!

Donating to charities is a waste of time They only spend their money on marketing campaigns and paying some fat guy half of what you’ve donated. Save yourself and the fat guy; you could spend your money on the box of donuts.

10. Have kids

Why? Well for one they look like you and all they ever do is moan moan moan. They shit all over the place puke on your lap and when they get older they blame you for having them and they leave you penniless. Enough said!

11. Eat at McDonalds!

The heading alone should be enough!

Unless you want to end up looking like a clown with no more of an intellect then I advise you to stay clear of McDonalds. I swear that clown is fucking evil! If you doubt me then perhaps you should check out the ingredients of their French fries. This is what is going in your stomach: Paste in list of chemicals in French fries.

12. Go to the cinema!

Is your life that boring you need to go and watch other people who aren’t even there – just electronic representations of light particles portraying something that’s supposed to be more exciting than life itself – acting out some shit plot which if you’re honest with yourself you probably know the ending to. Great fucking idea!

13. Overeat

This is truly the way to a miserable life!

Unless you want to die of cancer or a heart attack then I would think twice about eating that cream cake with that so called skinny latte or indulging in large amounts of chocolate. And don’t kid yourself on by saying oh… perhaps just a little, or, it’s just a treat – bollocks! You and I both know: your fat your greedy and you need some exercise. Get those Nikes on and just do it!

14. Watch TV

In my opinion their should be penalty points for watching too much TV. Those who watch too much TV should be enlisted for volunteering with the local PAEP (pedestrians against environmental pollution). Don’t be a sad twat, get up off your arse and do something interesting with your life. And yes I know there is no such fucking voluntary service; it’s a joke, stop watching TV, it’s making you dumb!

15. Eat fish fingers

If you want to eat fish fingers; why not go and get your fingers wet up some old granny then you’ll know why you shouldn’t eat fish fingers. Or if you’re really fucking weird maybe you’ll enjoy it. If this is the case then I suggest you stick to Captain Birds Eye.

16. Drink the white stuff!

Do you look like a fucking calf? Do you realise that you’re sucking on a cows tit?

If this isn’t enough to put you off drinking milk then god help us all! Ever wondered why chocolate is soo addictive? Caso-morphine… yes a substance not unlike our good old friend smack, and what do you know it’s the same colour! Leave the fucking cows alone what did they ever do to you!

17. Buy now pay later!

This has to be the dumbest idea on the planet! Yeah I really fancy that new couch which after months has seen my favourite curriesm beer and oops… accidentally unloading myself while watching my favourite porn or shagging the next door neighbour I think, great, a couch covered in beer cum and curry and now you want to start paying for it?

18. Let your life be an ego trip!

That’s right DON’T let your life be an ego trip. Don’t kid yourself on, you’re a slave to your ego! Everything reflects on your fucking ego – your job your salary your house your car your fucking toaster. And all because deep down you think you’re a worthless git, so you spend all this time and effort using ego props. Drop the props! Drop the ego! Get in touch with nature and know who you really are!

19. Hire a limo

Unless your twelve then do yourself a favour and do something respectable with your time and money instead of pretending you are a somebody. You aint Mick Jagger or Marylin Monroe so get real; hire yourself a taxi and stop being a pretentious twat!

20. Tree Hugging

Are you a tree hugger? I love trees as much as the next guy but what makes you think the tree actually wants you to hug it. I think if you listen carefully you will hear that tree say something to the effect of: OI YOU!! – GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF MY ARSE!

21. NOT Reading food labels

I am sure you will agree that reading food labels is a pain in the ass. If you like me know that those good people who manufacture and prepare our food only give us the very best in quality ingredients then you really do need that brain op your mother always told you about. Smarten up – read that label.

22. Search for meaning in life.

The search for life’s meaning; I would have more luck searching a unconscious beggar at the start of his shift and finding an all expenses paid trip (for two) to Tahiti. Go and search for something you might actually find like a starbucks. There are fucking twelve of them where I live!

23. Work for somebody else!

Why work for someone else and take all of their shit? Work all day, take orders and wage all of your time in making some large corporation rich and wealthy while you yourself make a pittance in comparison. Sucks huh! Take a stand start that lego business. Design your own life not somebody else’s.

What’s the matter with a lego business? I don’t know some people have no imagination.

24. Masturbation

This only applies to using anything other than your hand or a uniquely crafted plastic pussy. As homer would most likely say Mmmm pussy!

Why do I say this? Well think for just a minute… have you ever tried jerking off inside a melon? No nor have I and nor would I wish too; think of the fucking mess and the embarrassment when you forget to fling the melon away and your girlfriend (I’m assuming you’re guy or I at least I hope this only applies to guys; I could have given a female example but, well… back to the point) comes home to see that juicy melon lying on the table, takes a big bite and then tells you how wonderful it tasted not known what a naughty boy you’ve been. What do you do? Would you tell her? If you do, you’re either fucking stupid or your girlfriends a real dirty cow then by all means give her some more.

25. Cross dressing

I don’t care what your sexual preference is – wear clothes made for you not some bloke. Yes ladies you should really think twice about wearing those Ted Baker suits. And guys I would think twice about those g string panties unless you want bollocks hanging on a string. And I know what you’re thinking… how do you know about this? I have many strange friends and they all have said to me in one way or another, they said, Chris it may be nice to feel like you’ve got a nice pair of tits for the day but the embarrassment when one of them accidentally falls into your soup at lunch is just not worth it; trust me fake tit’s just don’t cut the mustard.

26. Exercise

Who wants to exercise when you can grab a beer chill out on the sofa and watch The Simpsons. Ditch the dumb bells. Be a witness to the weights as you sip your beer and watch homer eat donuts and not ironically shout – DOH!

27. Spend time in online chat rooms!

If you are like me and what to have a proper conversation that involves something more than the use of txt language then I suggest you do not frequent such places. They are quite simply full of morons. Having said that there will be a few kind souls and bright sparks who, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get a chance to meet. Although the chances are you’ll get some old pervert pretending he’s a horny young housewife wearing skimpy red panties wanting you to talk dirty for him. Please… don’t go there!

28. Try to help others

Have you ever felt the need to help another? No nor have I! Let’s keep it that way and the world will be a much better place. And in case you think I’m being a cynical bastard just take a look at the world around you. Yes exactly, a bunch of do-gooders trying to solve other people’s problems when they can’t fix their own. Be smart be selfish!

29. Eat Vegan Cheese

If you’re going to be vegan, fine, but I suggest you not do your taste buds a disservice by daring to taste one of those disgusting fake cheeses. I have tasted better lard.

30. Eat With Chopsticks

Whoever invented chopsticks (can chopsticks be classed as an invention?) had to be taking the piss. Do they come with little drums when you purchase them; you would have better chance learning to play the drums with them than you would eating a meal. I don’t care what food you’re eating chopsticks are not the answer! Balls to culture, go do yourself a favour – get a fork!

31. Do not pass go – go to jail!

Kind of obvious huh? But you would be surprised how many people go to the can and then go back for more. To avoid this you’ll want to forego the following:

Outdoor sex (this includes having a quick wank in the park when no ones looking)

Outdoor consumption of any illegal drugs; for all those druggies, I know, it sucks, but unless you want to be sharing needles with some guy called Malkie then I think you’ll agree it’s not such a good idea.

Working while signing on. Wake up it’s called fraud.

And a shit load of other things I have neither the time or patience to think of. Basically I can’t be arsed and I’m sure you get picture anyway, if not, go get a brain you beatnik.

32. Accept gifts from your mother.

Why is it moms always buy cheap socks and shit jumpers for you and think that they’re doing you a favour. To solve this have a bag reserved for shit presents; you may want to write it on the bag or bin depending on how many shit presents you get. Then you can hand them in to the local charity shop so some sad twat with no style may benefit from your kind generosity, or if you’re a miserable fuck you can sell them on eBay.